my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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