why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
