pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Houston, we have a blender
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
