I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
