I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
