she looked like the bat from fern gully.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
