hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
