I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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