Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
