It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize