Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
