I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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