Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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