Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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