Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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