My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
