i already hear my dad disowning me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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