i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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