I just saw a hot homeless man
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
