shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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