take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
