from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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