dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
