The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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