woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
