I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
