Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
