when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
