I faked an abortion last night.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
