i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
