Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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