There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
