I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
