final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We are all done wearing pants today
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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