Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
