i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
