did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My life is pants optional.
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