woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
