Your face is a jimmy john
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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