The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize