That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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