i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
