she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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