So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
