didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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