I am in a vortex of obligation.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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