I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
