Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize