ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
