Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
