Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
