either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize