the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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