Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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