Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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