Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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