Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
