you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
