my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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