I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just threw up on my dentist
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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