That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
